Attracting your team
Four-Part Blog Challenge: “ATTRACTING YOUR TRUE TEAM!”
Week 1 of 4: Categorizing Your Friendships
I am EXCITED!! For the next four weeks, (all Sundays in April) we are going to explore a topic that is near and dear to our hearts – how to find, attract and retain people in your life that truly get you, love you, and support you! Because – YOU are worth all of that!
After a few years of COVID, I am sure that we all are feeling a little more than disconnected from the people in our lives. And, as we reconnect with our friends during the upcoming season and years, I offer some insights into really ensuring that your SOUL IS FED by the people you share time with!
In this four-part blog series called “Attracting Your True Team!”, we will unpack the traits and characteristics of your current friends, lovers, and acquaintances – to understand who among them is worthy of YOU!
That’s right, you see, humans are tribal by nature, and so we seek company – and sometime, when times are tough, or when we are not shining our brightest light, we will seek company with those that don’t feed our souls. In other words, we are so afraid of being alone, unsupported, or unloved, that we will take whatever other human comes along just to fill that innate and ever-present need for belonging- I call this “BOTTOM-FEEDING! And, let’s face it, you are too amazing for that.
We should only spend our precious time with people that are worthy of us,
accept us, and most importantly love us for who we are –
these folks are your TRUE TEAM!
As we age, we realize that the nature of our friendship changes. It is not as easy as it was in school to make friends, good friends, as an adult. I hear this from my clients all the time! Yet, during adulthood, friendships and support are more important than ever to keep us going, bring us love and happiness, and give us strength to withstand what we need to face as adult humans. Before you invest too much in a friendship that may not meet these requirements, let’s take a look over the next four weeks at your friendships to identify the YOUR TRUE TEAM: THOSE YOU KNOW YOU CAN 100% COUNT ON!
This Week’s SOUL CHALLENGE: Week 1 of 4: Categorizing Your Friendships
The Challenge. Taking Stock According to Aristotle. Aristotle wrote many treaties in his lifetime, and lucky for us, one was on friendships (and relationships). He hypothesized that there are only really three types of friendships that humans enjoy. They are friendships of (1) UTILITY; (2) PLEASURE; and (3) VIRTUES. This week, we will start to uncover which of your friends fit into each category!
Preparation: Have your journal ready, pen in hand, and close your eyes. Take three cleansing breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth: counting to four on the inhale, and five on the exhale. Get ready to categorize your friendships and relationships to reveal a big AH HAH!
Step 1: In your journal, construct a list of all the people you consider “friends.” They don’t have to be in a particular order, and don’t edit the list as you go, simply note down who you spend time with, who you text or call frequently, who you do things with (and if it’s a couple, please write down their names separately). Write down the names of people that come to you without much thought at all. They can also be work friends, casual friends, family with whom you hang out, or any others that come to mind, even friends that you only know slightly but perhaps would like to know better.
Step 2: Divide your paper into three vertical columns. At the top label them as follows: Utility, Pleasure, and Virtues/Values.
Step 3: In this step, you will become familiar with the three types of friendships, as defined by Aristotle, and think about how they apply to your own.
Friendships of UTILITY. Aristotle considered these types of friends as accidental, rather than intentional. He states that friends of utility come together because they can benefit from knowing each other. For example, you become friendly with an electrician doing work on your house. You like your electrician a lot, and when she is at your house, you spend a lot of time talking about things going on in the world. The conversation is pleasant and pleasurable, oftentimes resulting in a good laugh. Your electrician likes you too, not only are you a good client to have, but you also have a sense of humor to make the worktime more enjoyable. The friendship may blossom to where you also get together to enjoy an occasional activity outside of work. You are kind and grateful to get together, not only because it is fun, but good electricians are hard to find! This is an example of the friendship of UTILITY. There are many other less obvious types of Utility Friendships; they can be work-related, church-related, or community-related. Regardless, they have one thing in common: they are generally temporary and rarely withstand a situational change in circumstance. If you hire a new electrician, it is more than likely you won’t get together anymore outside of work with the first one! In other words, meaning once the situation changes, and the benefits end for one or both parties, so will the friendship.
Friendships of PLEASURE. Like friends of utility, friendships of pleasure are based on a shared experience or activity. In this category of friendships, you might find your soccer team buddies or your hiking friends. According to Aristotle, these friendships are the kind we most often have in our youth, but also in our adult life around common recreational interests. They can be long-lived if we continue the activity, but more often than not, as your tastes and time constraints change over time, so do these types of pleasure-based friendships. These two are considered short-lived, and unable to withstand the withdrawal of the common activity.
Friendships of VIRTUE (or what we would term today: VALUES). In this last category of friendship, Aristotle informs us that these are the only type of permanent friendships that can withstand hardship or change in circumstances because they are based on trust, empathy, and a deep sense of compassion. These types of relationships are based on a shared sense of values, or in Aristotle’s terms: virtues or shared qualities of life, and approaches to life that make all the difference. Friends of Virtue (or Value) also share mental, emotional, and spiritual philosophies. Even if the friends do not agree 100% with them, they still act like glue to bind the friends together. Friends of Virtue seek to understand and accept the whole person, with nothing external to gain or lose from their shared experience. And they generally last a lifetime! Virtuous friendships are enhanced with time, because no matter the activity, circumstance, hardship, or triumph that is experienced, the friendship is based on empathy, compassion, and a deep desire for happiness for the other.
Aristotle suggested that not all people are capable of these types of deep virtue-based friendships, nor want them. He observed that people who are more self-interested or preoccupied with pleasure, utility (getting benefit), self-aggrandizement, and external reputation often lack the necessary skills for mutual growth and deep connection required for Virtue or Valued-Centric friendships.
Step 4. Armed with these definitions, begin to thoughtfully place the names of each person you wrote down into a column that best fits the true nature of your relationship. Don’t try to force-fit anyone into a column, make your assessment of the nature of each of your friendships completely honest. It is good to have all types of friends – as long as you know what you can expect from them. Each can serve an important role as long as you understand the true nature of the friendship, it is unlikely you will be hurt or misunderstood as you move forward!
Special Note: One important message from my clients is that is it so hard to find people that understand and accept you for who you truly are… This exercise is meant for you to categorize and name the people in your life that do. Most of us have many people in our lives that serve a multitude of purposes. We give our time and support freely to our friends – I am cautioning you to ensure the investment you make in other people – is 100% reciprocated as you look out into the world to find your TRUE TEAM!
Step 5. Take time during this week to carefully consider what you have initially written, and then don’t be afraid to edit the lists as more knowledge bubbles up within you. I remember when I first created this exercise, my initial list on Day 1 was extremely different than my list on Day 7! Finally, don’t be too hard on yourself if you find you have few friends in the Virtue column, most of us do, and the good news is that we discuss that in-depth over the next three weeks of “Attracting Your TRUE TEAM” Soul Challenges.
Next Sunday, we will take the Soul Challenge up a notch in “KNOW THYSELF” to examine more fully how well you are doing in attracting your true team by being 100% your authentic self!
Until Next Time,
Live Well, Love Well, Lightwell the World
